Oh, Kettle!

Thank you for finally just telling me this.  I want you to know that I respect what you feel you need to be right now — but I only wish you’d have just dropped me a quick, “hey, I need to be completely alone right now and to not call or have any contact with people at all while I try and figure myself out.  It’s nothing personal,” or something like that because when you upped and disappeared without any prior signs or explanation, I feared the worst.  Anyone who cares for you would have feared the worst.  After the first week, I went as far as to check the Chicago online obituaries for your name.  And then, when I had signed onto yahoo to check my e-mail for the first time in a while and had seen that you were online, well, yeah, I was angry.  It just seemed as if you had decided you just didn’t want to talk with me anymore, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what I had done or said to you to provoke such a seemingly hostile position.

I’ve been living the life I’ve needed to live for the past few weeks; I haven’t gone overboard worrying over peoples feelings — just yours because I couldn’t figure your actions out.  I’ve even made some new friends along the way because, where you feel the need to withdraw, I feel the need to seek out and actually make contact, but in the real world, not the internet, which is what I’ve been doing.  I’m taking care of my needs.  I suppose you breaking away was kind of the kick in the pants that I required.

It’s been hard to not share with you all the great things that have happened, especially when I met Darwyn Cooke, who right then and there at the comic con gave me a 15-minute drawing lesson using pieces in my portfolio as his guide.  It’s hard to stop loving you.  I feel you’re the only person I’ve loved like this; my feelings for people have always faded when they’re not around in a great capacity.  Not with you.  Not at all with you.

But, it has to be like this, doesn’t it?  You’re doing what you need, and I’m doing what I need.  I have a sense of closure now, so the heart will heal.  The heart will finally heal.

I don’t hate you.  I couldn’t.  When it comes to you, my heart isn’t programmed like that.  You’re not a hopeless failure.  You’re searching for something, and only you can understand it.  Just don’t lose your humanity in the process like I almost did; we’re social creatures by nature.  I’ll miss you, and I cherish everything we’ve gone through together and what you’ve taught me and shown me and helped me to experience, and I won’t forget any of it, but don’t let that stop you any, and I will no longer let Us stop me either.  I hope you find what you need, and if you ever feel the urge to step back out and want to tell me about your life or just say hi, I’ll be around.  Goodbye, button.

                     With love,

                           Tim

Im a mess.

I have an intense need to be alone. And to not love right now.

But how do I explain this to you? And expect you to ever be okay with that? I am deathly afraid of confrontation, which is why it was easier for me to just stop communication than to deal with it.  A massively assholeish thing and terrible flaw I have.

then I think:

I owe it to you to keep contact.

I owe it to you to explain everything.

I owe it to you to not be another thing in your life gone awry.

I need to live like a shaker. a quaker. I want to be somewhere alone and not know anyone. I need to live off the grid and unconnected. This is a deep and huge drive that I feel I have to do… and its hard to do. Its hard to do it when I feel like I owe it to so many people to NOT do it, to keep touch.

Im NOT having a “great life”, but I feel better being disconnected. I have had severe guilt issues this entire time worrying about you, what you must think, what you would have thought if I just told you a week ago, etc. Nightmares. BAD ones. Being stressed in general. Panicky. Manic. So, yeah, not a great life and I do NOT feel good about myself to have dropped communication with you. Its not what you deserve, ever, and yet I did it. Fuck. I feel soooooo horrible. You must hate me. And I deserve it.

I just… cant worry about anyone right now. And I worried about you, and your feelings and your love and light, your glow your friendship, everything. :( I need to live selfishly, for once, and without feeling responsible for someone else. You need the same things, only you are a decent person to me and everyone else and not an asshole like I just proved myself to be.

I thought everyday about how unlike me it is to do this to someone, and there I was doing it to a very important person.

Just. fuck. I dont know. I dont know how to explain things or how to make things okay or right and still live how I need to. I just feel terrible and like I am a royal failure, heartless, and an overall jerk.

Sorry isnt even CLOSE to enough. But I am. I really gut wrenchingly am.

Just explain this to me…how can I go from all to nothing overnight?  =(

<3 :) Im sorry about today… and ill tty Monday! I cant wait to hear your adventures! :D